16/06/2016 // 9:25 pm

and all that jazz

it's been about four years since i last posted here. a lot's happened. a lot of important stuff's happened. some of the more important in all those (few) years of my life. i'm approaching my 30s. still feeling like my teens. and when i finally decide to come back here, and just by chance take a look at what i last wrote, i realize i'm still feeling a bunch of that stuff. by the date, i can guess what it was about -- i have always been able to do that in this blog, and i believe it's not just cos i wrote it myself.
i'm going through some other stuff now. my heart is perfectly fine, i'm settled in a way waY better than i could ever have wished for or hoped to be. that ain't an issue.
but all else is. being a grow up has its obvious perks, like choosing what to buy and where to go and at what time to get out of bed (sometimes). but it also seems to give one a sense of unfulfilness. if that is even a word. you start to realize loasd of stuff going south around you, both on purpose and by chance. no, not chance. most of the time, it's because people can't care enough.
if i googled it, i'd probably find some dozen posts stating that belief that most people don't care. so, no news it's there, no news it bugs me. but it is starting to annoy me a bit more.
maybe i'm not just growing up anymore, maybe i'm finally at the growing old stage of it. i am heading towards the dreadul age of 30. yet what scares me is that some of my feelings and even attitudes haven't changed for ages. some stuff is actuallY cristalyzing as my core personality. some of It i'm ok with, really, no matter how under appreciated some of that 'some' is. and i'm working to change what i don't like so i don't have to put up w it in another 30 years.
but what really scares me is the in-between. do i like this? do i not? do i wanna change it? will i ever be able to? caring goes in this list.
cos it makes me go nuts about some stuff no one cares about, and i look like a crazy girl. or worst, immature. i can't afford being taken as immature no more, i've got bills to pay, a family that relies on me. i don't get perceived as an adult, i don't get paid.
in some moments, i do feel like i should try to explain why i'm not crazy, why i'm so mad or annoyed. but that's another thing about maturity: you know when something is gonna be a waste of time.
i can't take journalists no more. we all suck. very, very few exceptions -- i'm obviously talking abou the journalists i know, so piss off if you are some random person i've never even met who just happens to be a journalist. we are the most self-absorved ppl i know. blind fools. with our self-conceited wish to change the world by bringing information -- in packages loaded with underlying opinion, predjudicious discourses, distorted points of with in choosing the ppl wr talk to, poor choice of cases and an annoying worry about the god damn freaking metrics. fuck that, dude. we've spent so much time trying to convince ourselves we know who reads us, what they want, we gotta do this that way cos we need the business to keep on running. deceitful fools. selfish bastards, steaking out the next opportunity to stab one another in the back for a prize, a cover story, or even a bloody line on the website cover -- which will last for about four hours. what kinda animal backstabbs for a four hour advantage?
we suck. and i can't stand us no more. i'm at a better place now, with a higher rate of interesting ppl per square meter. but i still feel surrounded by jerks.
i've worked hard in these four years to be a nicer person, not to yell at others, not to jump at the first chance to judge someone. to look around and praise difference, respect individuality. i came so far as a religious point of view to back me up.
yet all around i see ppl not caring about anyone or any thing :\
i'm tired of being yelled at. overworked and underpaid. seeing a bunch of wrong doings and having to sit on my ass about them.
i wanna fight back. kill them with tenderness, if i might, but i'm reaching a limit as to what kind of shit i can take. and that includes most of the mainstream jounalism and entertainment i have regular access to. it's not just my coworkers and the journalists i know. it's not even just journalism and fun. politics drive me nuts. the justice system drives me nuts. the fact that rich, white ppl get away w murder drives me nuts.
i'm tired.

and yet, i realize i personally have it all. what to eat, what to wear, where to sleep, some one to love me back, faith, choices.
so i'm really just an educated jerk. a dreamy deceitful fool.



*i was gonna reread this b4 i post, but i'm pretty sure i'll regret half of it and go for the missin characters this board fails to type, so i just won.

 
deh //

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