thinking, changing, this and that
i was about to say i have being thinking a lot lately. but really, what ive tried to do most is not thinking. turns out i have, though, so maybe i got the opposite what ive expected. i did think a lot of shit during this time. loadsa paranoia, probably added with some fiction fuel from things ive seen on tv. fiction is good in a way, though, for it at the same time it helps you lose sense of reality, it also gives you a straight forward look into reality. ive been thinking a lot about friendships lately. people come and go all the time in our lives - and yes, im going for cliches again, as if you didnt know it already -, and i always think this time i will know for sure which ones will stay. i never do, though. a lot of though for a single post, huh? i have now switched to figure out which ones i would like to stay, and am i doing for them to do so. i know i got luckier in some cases than i probably made for, but im trying to make it up for it now. and im trying to take control in my hands and making it a deserve matter rathen luck ones next times around. i know i sometimes see more than there is to see in people and specially in the relationships i build with them. a whole lot of it is just really who i am, and i'll probably pay for it anyway. a lot of probably for a single post as well. but for what its worth trying to change, im trying. ive had loadsa oportunities to do so this year, yes, this past 80 days. great deal of work, hoping for great deal of learning. and rewards are coming already. and now, taking a step =)
deh //
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there, here and elsewhere
of the nine of us, you could go for eight or ten, there were four who went through it. and it wasnt easy on any of us. neither was it easy on all of us. things change. or rather, they dont. but people do. and it is one hard task to pretend they didnt, just as much as isnt to deal with the way they did. and specially when youve know people for a while. you dont expect them to change. you kinda get the feeling that ya know them well already, that they aint gonna surprise ya. and i can say its a lot easier to deal with disappointments then it is to deal with non-disappointments. a disappintment is when someone goes a way you didnt expect him to. but when they do go the expected way, and you just wish they didnt. they havent said exactly those words you cud have heard in your head without them whispering a sound. thats hard. you just expect things to be the same, for you wanna feel home somehow, you wanna feel back to that safe place where things as known and they cant but affect you in a positive way. but you get there, its like a magnet, pointed the wrong way. it gets close and instea of attracting, it reppels. we do find our ways around it though. just needa want to. just needa put a lo of effort on it. and you who you know you can make that much effort? when you know its worth it. we were. we aint never gonna be the same again, things just aint getting back to normal. the good part of it is that we no longer look for normal. we just look for home, a home we managed to found elsewhere, together. im glad we made it, and only i can speak for how important it is to me now - how much more important it became, and stronger i grew from all of that.
its a bunch of stuff together, i get myself thinking of it every now and then. sometimes more.
deh //
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