and all that jazz
it's been about four years since i last posted here. a lot's happened. a lot of important stuff's happened. some of the more important in all those (few) years of my life. i'm approaching my 30s. still feeling like my teens. and when i finally decide to come back here, and just by chance take a look at what i last wrote, i realize i'm still feeling a bunch of that stuff. by the date, i can guess what it was about -- i have always been able to do that in this blog, and i believe it's not just cos i wrote it myself.
i'm going through some other stuff now. my heart is perfectly fine, i'm settled in a way waY better than i could ever have wished for or hoped to be. that ain't an issue.
but all else is. being a grow up has its obvious perks, like choosing what to buy and where to go and at what time to get out of bed (sometimes). but it also seems to give one a sense of unfulfilness. if that is even a word. you start to realize loasd of stuff going south around you, both on purpose and by chance. no, not chance. most of the time, it's because people can't care enough.
if i googled it, i'd probably find some dozen posts stating that belief that most people don't care. so, no news it's there, no news it bugs me. but it is starting to annoy me a bit more.
maybe i'm not just growing up anymore, maybe i'm finally at the growing old stage of it. i am heading towards the dreadul age of 30. yet what scares me is that some of my feelings and even attitudes haven't changed for ages. some stuff is actuallY cristalyzing as my core personality. some of It i'm ok with, really, no matter how under appreciated some of that 'some' is. and i'm working to change what i don't like so i don't have to put up w it in another 30 years.
but what really scares me is the in-between. do i like this? do i not? do i wanna change it? will i ever be able to? caring goes in this list.
cos it makes me go nuts about some stuff no one cares about, and i look like a crazy girl. or worst, immature. i can't afford being taken as immature no more, i've got bills to pay, a family that relies on me. i don't get perceived as an adult, i don't get paid.
in some moments, i do feel like i should try to explain why i'm not crazy, why i'm so mad or annoyed. but that's another thing about maturity: you know when something is gonna be a waste of time.
i can't take journalists no more. we all suck. very, very few exceptions -- i'm obviously talking abou the journalists i know, so piss off if you are some random person i've never even met who just happens to be a journalist. we are the most self-absorved ppl i know. blind fools. with our self-conceited wish to change the world by bringing information -- in packages loaded with underlying opinion, predjudicious discourses, distorted points of with in choosing the ppl wr talk to, poor choice of cases and an annoying worry about the god damn freaking metrics. fuck that, dude. we've spent so much time trying to convince ourselves we know who reads us, what they want, we gotta do this that way cos we need the business to keep on running. deceitful fools. selfish bastards, steaking out the next opportunity to stab one another in the back for a prize, a cover story, or even a bloody line on the website cover -- which will last for about four hours. what kinda animal backstabbs for a four hour advantage?
we suck. and i can't stand us no more. i'm at a better place now, with a higher rate of interesting ppl per square meter. but i still feel surrounded by jerks.
i've worked hard in these four years to be a nicer person, not to yell at others, not to jump at the first chance to judge someone. to look around and praise difference, respect individuality. i came so far as a religious point of view to back me up.
yet all around i see ppl not caring about anyone or any thing :\
i'm tired of being yelled at. overworked and underpaid. seeing a bunch of wrong doings and having to sit on my ass about them.
i wanna fight back. kill them with tenderness, if i might, but i'm reaching a limit as to what kind of shit i can take. and that includes most of the mainstream jounalism and entertainment i have regular access to. it's not just my coworkers and the journalists i know. it's not even just journalism and fun. politics drive me nuts. the justice system drives me nuts. the fact that rich, white ppl get away w murder drives me nuts.
i'm tired.
and yet, i realize i personally have it all. what to eat, what to wear, where to sleep, some one to love me back, faith, choices.
so i'm really just an educated jerk. a dreamy deceitful fool.
*i was gonna reread this b4 i post, but i'm pretty sure i'll regret half of it and go for the missin characters this board fails to type, so i just won.
deh //
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all those things
that must die on your throat before they come out wrong that you must kill on your throat before they come out all that you must kill and wait for rebirth work for rebirth all you just cant help missing all you just cant help wishing time sitting, waiting, wishing - like that song
i must not trust my judgement, though it is a real part of who i am my misjudgement helped me come a long way yet i cant trust it too many nice people have proved me wrong
all that you must kill on your throat - or replace by something else, elsewhere, to somebody else, so nothing happens wrong as if you could actually stop anything from happening
i just wanted to let you know i am a nice person, despite the fact that i spent a long time telling you im not. i was just afraid i wouldnt be for you, i would turn out to be a disappointment. and by trying to avoid it, i just did it, to me (for sure) and to you (most probably) they say it's hard to find really nice people out there, but for some reason these nice people always happen to cross my way - which is great when i dont screw it up sorry if i did - twice -- or maybe even three times sorry if im afraid of saying sorry straight to you, of saying sorry again. i just have said too much and it all came out wrong. it wouldnt be fare to either of us to give myself another chance.
yet it is the one thing i wanted.
deh //
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as expected.
i'm getting kinda tired of all this.
deh //
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whiskas sachet
eu odeio essa ideia de se fazer odeio não poder simplesmente fazer o que eu sinto, seguir meus instintos e simplesmente me foder por isso digo, eu posso fazer isso e me foder depois mas aparentemente todo mundo acha isso errado talvez eu realmente sou uma pirralha ridícula, afinal mas me incomoda, me sinto podada, e pior de tudo podada por mim mesma. ou podada pela noção nos outros - já que a minha não funciona lá muito bem ok, eu não entendo nada de cinema, ouço música pq me toca, leio pq preciso de universos paralelos. pq sou lúdica até os ossos, apesar da minha burocracia virginiana e tudo bem que eu faço piadas de sexo e mexo com a namorada de todo mundo, mas é assim que eu sou uma parte disso é mutável, eu sei, e a parte que eu considero ruim - e que a em que aparentemente há um consenso de amigos, pais e ex-namoradas que é ruim - eu tento mudar. não é fácil, não é de um dia pro outro, e diria até que alguns desses processos vêm de longa data e no mais das vezes com pouco progresso aparente
passei os últimos quatro ou cinco meses tentando não ser quem eu sou. tentando não querer as coisas que eu quero. tentando me adaptar a um estereótipo de liberdade, de tranquilidade, de compatibilidade que simplesmente não sou eu. eu gosto de tar junto, gosto de ver, de falar, de fazer e de ter companhia, gosto de sair e de ficar em casa, gosto de galera e gosto de a dois, gosto de compartilhar o bom e o ruim, de tentar junto. aquilo não era eu, ou o que era pior, era eu tentando não ser eu, o que foi uma grande bosta. e enchi disso, não faz o menor sentido. não fez desde o início, eu que demorei a perceber. e se for pra continuar nisso, também não quero, não
mas aí vem a noção alheia. a ideia de que eu posso, de novo, por tudo a perder não que haja ainda um tudo, mas o talvez me basta
quero q essa agonia generalizada passe logo. quero meu eu de volta, ou o que quer que sobre dele depois disso. minhas incongruências, minha ansiedade moderadamente racional, meu riso descontrolado de coisas sem graças, meu sorriso pro garçom e pro bebê que passa dormindo no colo da mãe. quero saltitar pela rua quando tocar teatro mágico, fazer marra fumando meu cigarro de bichinha, beber num dia de semana qualquer só pelo prazer de fazer tudo ao contrário. gotta start somewhere, some time. and this gotta be now.
deh //
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of runaways
people call me a fool, for keeping near me people who keep trying to go away. but no matter how far they go, they cant take their legacy in my life with them. they can go away themselves, but cant take away the good memories, the great times, the marvelous changes they gave me for fate or chance. leave, if they want to, but i'm never leaving them, or what they once were to me.
deh //
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pedra
certas conclusões brilhantes, q a gnt ofusca na ilusão de q tudo está ou vai ficar bem, caem como uma pedra no estômago da gente. sobre aquela vontade de vomitar, que a gnt engole com o choro. a energia baixa, a mão sobre pra cabeça. a reza tenta debelar as preocupações, enquanto a boca se cala no medo de materializar as verdades em palavras. a vontade de ajudar se agrilha com correntes de impotência no chão que foge dos pés. um leve desespero expirado em um suspiro de lamento.
deh //
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sobre as redes sociais e o que você não quer compartilhar daquele jeito
ela se recompôs rapidamente quando a porta do elevador abrir. escolheu um sorriso animado e respondeu um "tchau" como se não tivesse ainda uma hora pela frente e muitas coisas na cabeça, que não deveriam realmente estar ali
deh //
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here's the thing
people with pms should be locked up for good. really.
deh //
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thinking, changing, this and that
i was about to say i have being thinking a lot lately. but really, what ive tried to do most is not thinking. turns out i have, though, so maybe i got the opposite what ive expected. i did think a lot of shit during this time. loadsa paranoia, probably added with some fiction fuel from things ive seen on tv. fiction is good in a way, though, for it at the same time it helps you lose sense of reality, it also gives you a straight forward look into reality. ive been thinking a lot about friendships lately. people come and go all the time in our lives - and yes, im going for cliches again, as if you didnt know it already -, and i always think this time i will know for sure which ones will stay. i never do, though. a lot of though for a single post, huh? i have now switched to figure out which ones i would like to stay, and am i doing for them to do so. i know i got luckier in some cases than i probably made for, but im trying to make it up for it now. and im trying to take control in my hands and making it a deserve matter rathen luck ones next times around. i know i sometimes see more than there is to see in people and specially in the relationships i build with them. a whole lot of it is just really who i am, and i'll probably pay for it anyway. a lot of probably for a single post as well. but for what its worth trying to change, im trying. ive had loadsa oportunities to do so this year, yes, this past 80 days. great deal of work, hoping for great deal of learning. and rewards are coming already. and now, taking a step =)
deh //
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there, here and elsewhere
of the nine of us, you could go for eight or ten, there were four who went through it. and it wasnt easy on any of us. neither was it easy on all of us. things change. or rather, they dont. but people do. and it is one hard task to pretend they didnt, just as much as isnt to deal with the way they did. and specially when youve know people for a while. you dont expect them to change. you kinda get the feeling that ya know them well already, that they aint gonna surprise ya. and i can say its a lot easier to deal with disappointments then it is to deal with non-disappointments. a disappintment is when someone goes a way you didnt expect him to. but when they do go the expected way, and you just wish they didnt. they havent said exactly those words you cud have heard in your head without them whispering a sound. thats hard. you just expect things to be the same, for you wanna feel home somehow, you wanna feel back to that safe place where things as known and they cant but affect you in a positive way. but you get there, its like a magnet, pointed the wrong way. it gets close and instea of attracting, it reppels. we do find our ways around it though. just needa want to. just needa put a lo of effort on it. and you who you know you can make that much effort? when you know its worth it. we were. we aint never gonna be the same again, things just aint getting back to normal. the good part of it is that we no longer look for normal. we just look for home, a home we managed to found elsewhere, together. im glad we made it, and only i can speak for how important it is to me now - how much more important it became, and stronger i grew from all of that.
its a bunch of stuff together, i get myself thinking of it every now and then. sometimes more.
deh //
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